Category Detail for Humor (57 Quotes)

  Author Category Subject Content
1 Al Capone Humor Politics Vote early and vote often.
2 Alice Roosevelt Longworth Humor Gossip If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
3 Ambrose Bierce Humor Books The covers of this book are too far apart.
4 Aristotle Humor Humor Wit is educated insolence.
5 Aristotle Humor Humor The gods too are fond of a joke.
6 Charles de Gaulle Humor Happiness What do you take me for, an idiot? (General Charles de Gaulle when a journalist asked him if he was happy)
7 Charles Schultz Humor Aging Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
8 Charlie Chaplin Humor Humor In the end, everything is a gag.
9 George Burns Humor Work Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
10 Gore Vidal Humor Beauty A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
11 Groucho Marx Humor Humor I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
12 Helen Keller Humor Laughter The world needs more of this dauntless spirit of laughter. Laughter is more disconcerting than a whole dictionary of abuse.
13 Henry David Thoreau Humor Professionalism Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
14 Jimmy Durante Humor Courtesy Be nice to people on your way up because you might meet 'em on your way back down.
15 Mae West Entertainment Evil When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
16 Mark Twain Humor Modesty The man who is ostentatious of his modesty is twin to the statue that wears a fig-leaf.
17 Mark Twain Humor Aging This is no time to be flitting about the earth. I must cease from the activities proper to youth and begin to take on the dignities and gravities and inertia proper to that season of honorable senility which is on its way.
18 Mark Twain Humor Expediency I find that principles have no real force except when one is well fed.
19 Mark Twain Humor Dishonesty Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
20 Mark Twain Humor Scientists Scientists have odious manners, except when you prop up their theory; then you can borrow money of them.
21 Mark Twain Humor Temptation There are several good protections against temptations but the surest is cowardice.
22 Mark Twain Humor Truth Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.
23 Mark Twain Humor Vanity There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it.
24 Mark Twain Humor Expression Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.
25 Mark Twain Humor Planning Put all your eggs in the one basket and WATCH THAT BASKET.
26 Mark Twain Humor Humility There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me. I always feel that they have not said enough.
27 Mark Twain Humor Gratitude If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
28 Mark Twain Humor Shame Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
29 Mark Twain Humor Foolishness Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
30 Mark Twain Humor Friendship The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet, steady, loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
31 Mark Twain Humor Golf Golf is a good walk spoiled.
32 Mark Twain Humor Righteousness Always do right. This will gratify some and astonish the rest.
33 Mark Twain Humor Humanity Such is the human race. Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
34 Mark Twain Humor Bragging Noise means nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.
35 Mark Twain Humor Vanity There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it.
36 Mark Twain Humor Example Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
37 Randy Pausch Humor Efficiency Want to have a short phone call with someone? Call them at 11:55am right before lunch. They'll talk fast. You may think you are interesting but you are not more interesting than lunch.
38 Sacha Guitry Humor Humor You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
39 Sam Levenson Humor Stupidity It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say, then say the opposite.
40 Steven Wright Humor Humor Black holes are where God divided by zero.
41 Unknown Humor Disaster Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
42 Voltaire Humor God God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
43 Will Rogers Humor Humor Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
44 Will Rogers Humor Caution Don't squat with your spurs on.
45 Will Rogers Humor Gossip Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
46 Will Rogers Humor Caution Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
47 Will Rogers Humor Caution Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
48 Will Rogers Humor Annoyance It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
49 Will Rogers Humor Peer Pressure Always drink upstream from the heard.
50 Will Rogers Humor Anger When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
51 Will Rogers Humor Learning There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
52 Will Rogers Humor Silence Never miss a good chance to shut up.
53 Will Rogers Humor Marriage There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
54 Winston Churchill Humor Truth Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.
55 Winston Churchill Humor Violence Nothing in the world is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
56 Winston Churchill Humor Lies A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
57 Winston Churchill Humor Example He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.